One Year: Part One

Warning:  Long winded, navel contemplating blog post.  Enter at your own risk.

I recently read a blog post from one of my favorite sites.  She was feeling introspective and posed this question to her readers: Is your life in the past ten years what you thought it would be?  How are things different?  Do you have any regrets?  This really made me think.  My first reaction was “UM, NO!!!”  I spent several days thinking about how things were nowhere near the neat little package I had detailed for my self.  Married by 28, baby by 30, house, career, happy dog playing in the yard.  Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, and nope.  A lot of my friends followed this course.  I always thought I was lagging behind, trying in vain to catch up, the whole time wondering what the hell was wrong with me.  I always knew that as much as I was like my friends, and people my age, I was also different.  In my twenties, I liked living independently.   I also had the defensive, authority challanging reaction “ why can’t I ?” when asked why I moved out when I did, and chucked college.  It wasn’t always easy, and I got myself into plenty of trouble that I probably would have had I stayed at home longer.  I don’t regret that decision, I think it helped me to grow, and become more self sufficient (my dad is guffawing right now….)  I have wonderful memories of living with roommates, figuring out who we were, being goofy twenty something’s. I formed strong, lasting friendships with people, that can only happen in that time when you are all struggling.  I also lost my sister in my early twenties.  I think this had a huge factor in shaping me, and what I perceived as normal and good for my life.  It taught me not to take stuff for granted, and if I wasn’t happy, to try and change it.  Try is the operative word.  Lord knows I spent a ton of that time miserable.  Lonely, freaked out, broke and lost.  So I tried and tried.  I made HUGE mistakes, little mistakes, and occasionally a good choice.  I chose a career I thought would make me happy for a long time.  I worked my butt off, sometimes at 2 or 3 jobs. Into my thirties, I told myself it was fine I was single, lived in an apartment and lived with a much loved, overfed cat.  I still liked my job, was on the cusp of finally doing it the way I wanted.  Something was about to give and change, I just knew it.  I had heard the Oprah-esque hype about how great my thirties would be, and what I would learn and do.  I waited, and waited.  I made a big move in my career and location.  I moved to the country, lived in a friend’s house, and finally had a little success with my business.  I told myself this was what I wanted.  I wondered then why I wasn’t as happy as I thought I would be. I had dodged a pretty big romance bullet, ended up on my feet, albeit a little shakily, and questioning everything.  I’d stare at my bedroom ceiling and wonder: is this it?  Is this all there is?  A tiny voice usually answered back,  “NO.  There is more.”  The elusive MORE.  What the hell was that?!   I questioned it at every chance.  I loved my job, caring for kids was endlessly rewarding. I gave it my all, and in the end, that was the final push.  I knew if I wanted children of my own, I needed to make a change, before I became so burned out, I wouldn’t do it.  I knew this change would effect many people, and be somewhat difficult.  I tacked on several more years of loans and went back to school.  I was 33. What the hell was I doing?  I was in classes with 18 year olds.  I was endlessly exhausted, living alone again, working several odd jobs to make ends meet, and still not succeeding.  I LOVED it.  I was finally doing something creative, and in the end, it made people happy.  As a life long people pleaser, this was my nirvana.  I’d lose myself in the creative process and actual work of doing hair, and in the end, get the pay off of a happy client (not always…I was still learning, after all…Deb can attest to that…haha...).  With tears in my eyes, I would whisper to my friend with the chair next to mine, “I Love doing hair Mikey!” and he would roll his eyes and agree. This happened weekly.  I was satisfied for the first time in my life. My heart felt full. I had a lot to be thankful for. I was still broke, alone and didn’t have solid place to live.  I’d look for change in my couch for gas money.  I froze my butt off in a friend’s spare room. I had veered way off the course I had thought my life would take.  But I was doing something I had always dreamed of, and I had enough faith in myself at that point to know I would bounce if I fell.  I was also held up and supported by family and friends.  Their kindness and generosity was the biggest thing that got me through.  I am extremely grateful.  If something crappy would happen, it wasn’t long before I was put back on my feet.  My roommate became pregnant, and I got to experience it with her the entire time.  That was a gift.  When it came time for me to move out, a dear friend of the family came through on an empty condo.  If I needed some cash, Deb would find stuff for me to do at her house.  She’d listen and pass the tissues too, if it got to be too much.  She always gave me more love and support than I deserved. My Parents had me over for lots of dinners, hired me to clean their house, and I'd find a mysterious 20 in my purse from time to time.  It seemed life was telling me, ok, you’re doing something for yourself, you’re happy, we got your back.  I think the fact that I was open to new things, happy and fulfilled is the reason that Larry came into my life.  On paper, he was nothing like the person I thought I would end up with.  Thinking openly and with an open heart had gotten me pretty far before, why not now?  So we took a chance on each other.  I was not looking for a serious relationship, and certainly not marriage.  I wasn’t looking to move, not to Seattle and certainly not to Singapore.  People in my circle didn’t do this kinda thing.  You followed the path, had the big white fancy schamncy wedding, had the cute babies, lovely home and happy dog in the yard.  I was going to veer again, and this time it was BIG.  This was some scary shit, and not something I took lightly.  Was this the More I had coming?  Was this the portal I would take to new experiences and places?  The tiny voice in my head answered back with a resounding YES.